The End. The Beginning.

Yesterday my divorce was finalized in court. I know my marriage has been 'dead' for months but I still awaited the events of yesterday. When my marriage lost it's breath, it wasn't completely over for me. In the same way I needed a marriage ceremony with a signed certificate to start our life, I needed the finality of court and a judge's signature to close it. It took getting here, all these months later, to know I did everything in my power to save what I believed to be undeniably worth it. For me, when those documents were signed, it came to the end.

Eighteen months ago, this quote became one of my lifelines. I read and listened to this talk by Elder Holland countless times. I watched the Mormon Message even more. It quickly became my favorite quote. I started repeating it over and over in my mind whenever I needed a push to keep going. I could even hear Elder Holland's voice catch with emotion as I felt him say it to me.

Sometimes I would tell myself, 'Don't you quit.' 15 times a day. Or I would remind myself  'It will be all right in the end' when I felt all hope was nearly gone. I have many vivid memories of saying a line from this quote in my mind. 'You keep walking. You keep trying.' or 'There is help and happiness ahead.' or 'You keep your chin up'. Driving to church on a rough Sunday (Sundays were the worst days for quite some time), folding another load of laundry, nursing a baby, feeling alone and sad (especially at night), overwhelmed with 5 kids on my own day in/day out, etc. The list goes on. I know because I put this quote in my mind, the Lord used it to teach me. Over and over and over again. What a beautiful lesson it has turned out to be through some very hard and dark days. I wouldn't trade what I have learned for anything. Neither I wouldn't trade my choice to become closer to my Father in Heaven. He is where I've found my strength and He is where I've started finding myself. No doubt blessings have been given to me through the hardest trial of my life.

(This is not to say I have always been patient and teachable all these many months. Certainly no. I have struggled, dug my feet in, complained and made many mistakes along the way. A great source of strength for me is knowing I have the ability to make a better choice when the hard times come and my greatest victory is when I do.)

I am grateful to know this is not where my story ends. I'm grateful to know this is not where my family's story ends. We look up and keep going, we keep moving forward. I tell that to the kids all the time. There is much to live for and be thankful for and I know there are good things to come. This is just the beginning.