For Now

For now I don't want to say much more than the facts and a few of my thoughts.

Milo and I are getting divorced. It physically hurts to say it out loud and write it here but I want to start healing and moving forward. I want to feel lighter than I do now. This past year has been a heavy one. I never believed I would be in this position 13 years ago when we married (seriously, who would?). Hands down, I would have told you that I would never be divorced. I married for eternity, end of story. When I wrote this post on December 27th, I never believed I'd be writing one like this on February 11th. I'll probably write more another time but I do want to say this~ I love Milo and I am grateful for the years we have had together. I love the man I married in the Seattle Temple and I know our decision to marry was the right one. I love the family we have created together. I would not have the family I do without him. What a blessing our marriage has been. I mourn the loss of what was to be but that doesn't mean all the good in my life is gone. I still have so much to be thankful for.

My Savior loves me and knows me by name. He knows of my heartache and sadness. He's felt and suffered through my personal pain (and yours!). He sacrificed His life for me and knows I am of infinite worth (you too!). My Heavenly Father knows my weaknesses and even still, He blesses me and strengthens me in countless ways. He loves me unconditionally too. I cannot do this alone and I'm so grateful that is not His plan because I would fail. He wants me to call on Him and pray for His help. He wants to guide me back home. He wants me to be with Him again and I want that too.

I get weepy when I realize all I have been entrusted with- a daughter of God and four sons of God. Five kids! On hard days, I work to remind myself how many blessings there are in my life. Some days it's easy to get out of that fog and other days it's quite difficult. My family is going to be defined differently (in a way I never wanted) but we are still an eternal family. That's a truth I always remember.

I love Kathryn. I'm grateful for her kind heart and careful obedience. She rarely questions 'the right way' and she knows she will be blessed by choosing to follow God's plan.

I love Nathan. I'm grateful for his honesty and his love for the underdog. I'm grateful for his protective nature and how he watches out for his siblings (after he asserts his strength that is...).

I love Dane. I'm grateful for his tender, tender heart and his silly personality. I'm grateful for his brain full of ideas and his giving nature (he gave me $5 for taking him to a hockey game Friday night. I don't want to keep it but he's insistent. I think I'll sneak it back in his bank in a couple weeks).

I love Reed. I'm grateful for his tell-it-like-it-is personality (today he told me my breath smelled and the other day he talked about visiting me 'when I laid Owen'...as in gave birth to him, ha!). I'm grateful for his laughter and jokes too, he can cheer anyone right up. He's a great little companion during the day.

I love Owen. I'm grateful for the perfect timing of his birth and for the absolute bright spot he has been in my life this past year. Without him, there were many days I would've struggled to get out of bed. I believe the Lord knew how very much I needed him. What a precious blessing. Those eyes! I love those eyes too.

I have a beautiful family and I love them with all my heart.